Friday, 28 March 2008

I'm feeling just a little bit lost soul ish right now. I want to sleep and i can't. I guess i could do with a cuppa, but i don't have the energy. I could really use an imaginary friend. I mean, I've got mates. I've got the best mates in the world and we all look out for each other, whether we've got issues of our own or not, we find time for one another. But i'm having issues, that i didnt know existed, that i can't even place and it's not great, because i don't have the head space to help anyone else. It's one of those stuck in a rut situations: you wanna get out, but you dont have the energy or enthusiasm or motivation to, and the more you try, the more it saps what little of those vital three you had left. but if you wallow and try to get some of them back, it starts to flood, so you try again to get out... and the whole circle just goes round and round and round and round...etc.

I know this all sounds so 'emo' and depressing. but typing this out helps. it gets out all the crap that i have a problem saying. I'm not too good with words, so i guess this is just the right place to be. My apologies to anyone who happens to stumble across this particularly negative post. I dont like writing negative things, but it's either writing them down or saying them at the wrong time and place, so really this is probably a better option!

I dont want this to turn into a soppy rant.. but its almost inevitable that it will.
She smiles and it makes me smile.
She sings and it makes me proud.
She laughs and it makes me feel like i could never be unhappy again.
She cries and i want to make everything in her world full of sunshine.
It feels like she completes me, and when shes not there i feel so lost.

She's not been there for 3 years now. I'm still very lost.
Whats worse, is that i lost her in the first place. there will always be that 'if only' feeling which is a hard one to get over. It's pathetic really, and i should just let it go. But i can't, and i don't really want to. i dont like self pity. i hate it. i know more than anything that i fucked up. nothing can change that. and that's something i can deal with. it's life. you do something, anything, and theres always a consequence. i guess, i just never fell out of love with her. and i'm as in love with her as i always was.

the wise mother in my head is saying, if it's meant to be, it will be.
the not so wise lost little girl is saying, could there just be one last chance?

Does anyone ever get that one last chance?

meh. guess thats it for now. i need some sort of sleep. whether it be restless or light or deep. horizontal is probably the best position right about now.

Posted by Boo at 16:53